I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I just love that new Pope smell.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.