I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.