If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.