Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
can’t talk my ride’s here
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT