Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”