Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You Might Also Like
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
A customer told me they were never coming back….
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.