Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.