Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.