DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?