How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.