i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
every college guy’s fridge
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
some cats are just doing for fun!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.