A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice