Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]