“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?