Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!