Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL