I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
No, I don’t think I will.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.