I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.