Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…