Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
You Might Also Like
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Dietest Coke
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.