At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.