My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.