R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance