Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes