Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.