I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Twitter fine art
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.