I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
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*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.