Eat…
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Yoga Matt
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
do u think theres a butter planet?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job