I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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Just a reminder, folks:
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”