The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You Might Also Like
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.