JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me too
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.