That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Dammit Chief not again
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.