“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
i did the math
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist