At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.