I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
the composer
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen