Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
You Might Also Like
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Grandmother clock.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
A short story about romance.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]