Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.