Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.