Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster