My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”