[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos