friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
smartest karate player in the world
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Just so funny
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard