UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here