I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood