Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice