“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I’m already scared
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Imma just leave this here…………
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.