Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
What about second breakfast?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.