me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night