Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
*ernest hemingway voice*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.