May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
You Might Also Like
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.